It is done. Contracted has allowed me to weave the title that will usher in the end of ages. The apocalypse is upon us, and I’ll die the most hilarious person on Earth.
But in all seriousness (of which there is none), once I explain this movie’s alarmingly contemporary theme, you’ll understand just how apt that last statement was. If you haven’t already divined the meaning of this review’s legendary title, I’ll fill you in: Contracted is a movie about a girl who gets infected with an STD that turns her into a zombie.
Whoa now, put your assorted violence-inducing implements away. The only reason I offered such an explicit spoiler right out of the gate is because this movie is stupid. REALLY stupid. It falls under the dusty horror movie archetype known as “What happened to common sense?” I mean, if you found a maggot in your vagina after having a chunky “period” heavy enough to feed a third world country of vampires, would you agree to work some extra hours at your job over seeing your doctor? And since the subject of suspension of disbelief needs to be broached, how the hell would a maggot get in there in the first place?
Shit, I really shouldn’t have mentioned suspension of disbelief. Here we go! You wouldn’t: The Musical! You wouldn’t:
- Diagnose a patient who is painfully vague about her obviously abnormal symptoms with a headache and a rash without further examination.
- Ignore the medical implications of finding a maggot in your vagina and not rush to the ER. An M in your V, if you will.
- Skip a doctor’s appointment after your fingernails, teeth, and hair fall out while your eyes bleed and turn red.
- Prepare food in a restaurant while terribly, terribly diseased.
- Allow an employee to prepare food while they’re conspicuously terribly, terribly diseased after having witnessed them in such a condition.
- Kiss someone with black, bulging veins, bleeding eyes, and rotten teeth.
- Under any circumstance, have sex with someone who looks and smells like a zombie, no matter how desperate you are.
Did you like my musical? You… you see what I’m saying, right? Everyone’s fucking stupid. It’s shit like that that makes horror movies easy to dismiss as whimsical, “what if…?” garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I dig the concept and loved the makeup effects (even if the red contacts looked bogus), but Contracted has all the finesse of an orangutan trying to brush its teeth with a baseball bat. Does that phrase seem ridiculous to you? Have you considered that that clause is an allegory for how ridiculous this movie is? Now we’re seeing eye to eye.
Dennis Harvey of Variety, however, missed the point. Maybe he didn’t want the movie closely enough, but the supposed nice guy Riley is actually a depressing cliché of “nice guys,” and a stalker to boot. You’ve heard the stories. He watched Samantha get date raped from afar, and continually hit on her, over and over, despite having been told on multiple occasions that lesbians don’t like the D. But hey, if she was date raped at a party by a man, then that must mean she’s an easy lay and willing to diddle ANYONE, right? Maybe if he keeps pestering her, she’ll let him into her Z’d V. Here’s the alt review link. Take it with a grain of salt: http://variety.com/2013/film/reviews/contracted-review-1200810688/
Oh, and I just noticed. Why the hell is the tagline, “Not your average one night stand,” when what actually happened was date rape? Seriously? That’s an odd thing to overlook.