Contracted, The D Full of Z

Contracted

It is done. Contracted has allowed me to weave the title that will usher in the end of ages. The apocalypse is upon us, and I’ll die the most hilarious person on Earth.

But in all seriousness (of which there is none), once I explain this movie’s alarmingly contemporary theme, you’ll understand just how apt that last statement was. If you haven’t already divined the meaning of this review’s legendary title, I’ll fill you in: Contracted is a movie about a girl who gets infected with an STD that turns her into a zombie.

ContractedWhoa now, put your assorted violence-inducing implements away. The only reason I offered such an explicit spoiler right out of the gate is because this movie is stupid. REALLY stupid. It falls under the dusty horror movie archetype known as “What happened to common sense?” I mean, if you found a maggot in your vagina after having a chunky “period” heavy enough to feed a third world country of vampires, would you agree to work some extra hours at your job over seeing your doctor? And since the subject of suspension of disbelief needs to be broached, how the hell would a maggot get in there in the first place?

Shit, I really shouldn’t have mentioned suspension of disbelief. Here we go! You wouldn’t: The Musical! You wouldn’t:

  • Diagnose a patient who is painfully vague about her obviously abnormal symptoms with a headache and a rash without further examination.
  • Ignore the medical implications of finding a maggot in your vagina and not rush to the ER. An M in your V, if you will.
  • Skip a doctor’s appointment after your fingernails, teeth, and hair fall out while your eyes bleed and turn red.
  • Prepare food in a restaurant while terribly, terribly diseased.
  • Allow an employee to prepare food while they’re conspicuously terribly, terribly diseased after having witnessed them in such a condition.
  • Kiss someone with black, bulging veins, bleeding eyes, and rotten teeth.
  • Under any circumstance, have sex with someone who looks and smells like a zombie, no matter how desperate you are.

ContractedDid you like my musical? You… you see what I’m saying, right? Everyone’s fucking stupid. It’s shit like that that makes horror movies easy to dismiss as whimsical, “what if…?” garbage. Don’t get me wrong, I dig the concept and loved the makeup effects (even if the red contacts looked bogus), but Contracted has all the finesse of an orangutan trying to brush its teeth with a baseball bat. Does that phrase seem ridiculous to you? Have you considered that that clause is an allegory for how ridiculous this movie is? Now we’re seeing eye to eye.

ContractedDennis Harvey of Variety, however, missed the point. Maybe he didn’t want the movie closely enough, but the supposed nice guy Riley is actually a depressing cliché of “nice guys,”  and a stalker to boot. You’ve heard the stories. He watched Samantha get date raped from afar, and continually hit on her, over and over, despite having been told on multiple occasions that lesbians don’t like the D. But hey, if she was date raped at a party by a man, then that must mean she’s an easy lay and willing to diddle ANYONE, right? Maybe if he keeps pestering her, she’ll let him into her Z’d V. Here’s the alt review link. Take it with a grain of salt: http://variety.com/2013/film/reviews/contracted-review-1200810688/

 

Oh, and I just noticed. Why the hell is the tagline, “Not your average one night stand,” when what actually happened was date rape? Seriously? That’s an odd thing to overlook.

Cockneys vs Zombies is Well Worth a Butcher

Cockneys vs Zombies

Butcher’s hook, worth a look! You don’t need to be cockney to enjoy the rhyming slang.

While watching the quirky character introduction flashbacks in Cockneys vs Zombies, I can’t help but be reminded of Guy Ritchie’s 2000 film Snatch. They’ve both got cranky old people, a heist that goes better than planned, and a sometimes silly sense of humor. The film’s low budget takes nothing away from its charm, though you wouldn’t guess it’s a 2012 release judging by its special effects.

Cockneys vs ZombiesCockneys vs Zombies follows the lives of two East End of London brothers, Terry and Andy, who are looking to save their grandfather Ray’s retirement home from foreclosure by robbing a bank. In order to do so, they throw together a motley crew of misfits: “Mental” Mickey, the insane gun-running war veteran with a steel plate in his head, Katy, their lockpicking hotwiring cousin, and Davey “Tuppence,” the master of disguise. Terry fits well in the leader role, whereas Andy’s reliance on his brother to get things done betrays his talent and particularly good luck.

The zombie outbreak coincides with their robbery, beginning the uncontrolled chain of infection when construction workers crack open a mass grave condemned by Charles II and are promptly eaten by 17th century zombies. Though the primary antagonistic force, the undead shamblers just happen to show up right when the bank is surrounded by police and Mental Mickey has taken two hostages. In the meantime, Ray’s retirement home has been completely besieged by zombies, forcing the aged cockney pensioners into the kitchen where they sit and wait to be rescued.

Cockneys vs ZombiesI’d like to take this moment to point out that this is one of the few zombie movies in which the characters are actually aware of what zombies are. In so many others, people are completely clueless as to what happens when you’re bitten or why that pudgy man is bleeding from the ears and moaning like a drunken sea lion. The film industry has seen to it that everyone who has so much as glanced at a TV knows about the glamorous undead. With that in mind, moving on.

Cockneys vs Zombies veers from the stereotypical zombie movie composition by adding a goofy sense of humor and characters with personality that extends beyond not wanting to shoot a bitten loved one and then being eaten consequently. Emma, one of the hostages Mickey took, has the only “can’t do it” moment in the movie, but seals her zombie sister in a room rather than up and die. So, you know, go Emma.

Cockneys vs ZombiesI would recommend this flick to anyone with a love of the genre, or to someone who is bored with the genre and wants something new. Zombie films are very niche despite how widespread they’ve become, yet Cockneys vs Zombies holds an appeal beyond what is offered up by its thematic box art.

Gabe Toro of IndieWire has kindly reminded me that some horror movie clichés are still fully in effect. Mental Mickey is the film’s only black man, and he is the first of their crew to die. I won’t tell you how, but that’s just something to nod your head and “huh” at. Also, apparently Alan Ford played a part in a film called Strippers vs Werewolves. I, uh… What? I mean, I don’t really have high standards when it comes to movies, but… Yeah, just follow the incoming link for the alt review: http://blogs.indiewire.com/theplaylist/review-horror-comedy-cockneys-vs-zombies-20130802

V/H/S/2, Mega Murder Mayhem

VHS2

V/H/S/2 was alright.

What, you want more from me? It’s a sequel of a compilation of horror shorts filmed by people who sometimes don’t know what they’re doing. This time around, the quality fluctuates rather noticeably. I’ll run through each short independently for the sake of keeping things clean and orderly, okay? Okay. Oh, and yeah, beware of boobs. There are plenty. Maybe? Nah, just two sets. Four total. On two different people though.

The overlying story. It revolves around two people trying to blackmail a guy and find some lady’s son. Also boobs at the very start. Best chest forward, right? They end up watching a bunch of home movies. Everyone dies. 4/10 for tying things together but doing so very plainly. A guy shoots his jaw off, which is pretty cool.

VHS2Robot eyeball story. A man has a synthetic eye installed into his brain, and it has a camera because the company that gave it to him decided that they want to test it that way. Privacy is overrated. The guy starts seeing ghosts, a girl comes over and says that spontaneous sex will scare ghosts away, but then it doesn’t. Everyone dies. 5/10 for an interesting camera concept, but icky mirror gimmicks and arbitrary boobs.

Cyclist zombies. They don’t actually ride bikes. A cyclist puts a bunch of cameras on his helmet and bike, and then stops to save a woman who is actually a zombie. She bites his neck-meat and they go around eating people. Main zombie guys blows his face off with a found shotgun after getting a call from his girlfriend that reminds him of his humanity. The girlfriend is only ever on the phone, so she doesn’t die. 5/10 for zombie 1st person perspective, but generic enough that the magic fades quickly.


VHS2Indonesian pedophile cult
. This one’s pretty neat. A film crew explores a cult of the aforementioned nature, which is led by a character titled Father. They learn about the unusual practices that occur within, and then the only female crewmember turns out to be pregnant. Things quickly spin out of control as Satan explodes out of her uterus. 7/10 for being interesting despite crappy effects and an obnoxious, Blair Witch-Beelzebub hybrid ending. Oh, also, almost everyone dies.

Naked beige alien invasion. I hate everyone in/everything about this short. It’s about a bunch of annoying kid-friends interrupting people having sex and then being caught masturbating. And then naked beige aliens come in and eat everyone. -255/1 (you didn’t think the numbers actually measured anything tangible, did you?) for being the worst possible cinematographic amalgamation of kitschy horror clichés I’ve ever detected with my ocular accoutrements. That last sentence gets 10/10. And yes, everyone dies. Including the kid that got abducted.


VHS2V/H/S/2. It’s alright
. Skip the zombie and alien bits, alright? VHS the first had it goin’ on, what with its glitchy serial killer, naked harpy lady, lesbian neck-slasher, and- well, the generic screaming ghost girl was yuck, but the ratio of good minis to bad is superior to its descendant. You should watch both right now, one after the other. Do it. You’ll love it.

OH. Well, ex-CUSE me Kofi Outlaw of ScreenRant. I guess the SECOND one is better! It sure is all STREAMLINED and EFFICIENT! Nah, I’m just being facetious. Comparing them two movies is basically weighing two lard-filled balloons on a scale to see which one is heavier. I mean, even if you found out… they’re still just lard-filled balloons. You can probably blow it up for a laugh, but it’s only good for one go. Terrible allegory aside, here’s the link for the review by Professor Cinematograph: http://screenrant.com/vhs-2-reviews/


The Cabin in the Woods Satire Mode ENGAGED

The Cabin in the Woods

What the f- Sigourney Weaver? Jodelle Ferland? Chris Hemsworth? What a lineup. May seem a little weird, but The Cabin in the Woods is basically a reference orgy for scary movie junkies. You see, it knows the formula, and it plays with that in a way that borders satire. The greater plot of the movie is unique; clever, I dare to admit. Care for a laugh? Care for a few lampshaded clichés? This may just be the flick for you.

The premise is that a jock, a dork, a slut, a stoner, and a “good girl” head up to a cabin in the middle of nowhere to kick back and party for a few days. That’s all well and good, but a secret government organization is controlling quite literally every step of their journey. Everything, down to the choices they make, the creatures that hunt them, and the tunnel collapse that traps them there.

The Cabin in the WoodsThe game is as follows: The athlete, the whore, the fool, and the scholar must die. Then, the virgin must suffer, her death being optional. The puppeteers must allow the sacrifices to select their means of destruction, and then set it upon them, all while controlling the sequence of events. To what end? To appease the dark gods that once walked the Earth. Every country must perform this rite, but only one of them needs to succeed. If they all fail, then the Dark Ones emerge from the depths and… well, I assume they moosh absolutely everything.

You will experience glorious horror movie exclamation inciters such as:

  • Reading the Latin in the obviously evil book!
  • Dropping the knife after the bad guy’s dead!
  • Going for a walk in the deep dark forest!
  • Suggesting that the group split up!

The Cabin in the WoodsNot necessarily in that order. Don’t worry, though. It’s all controlled by the guv’mint, and everybody is actually a lot smarter than they seem. Even the dumb blonde. Incidentally, and to avoid making you think that they forgot even a single cliché, the dumb blonde is not a natural blonde, and the chemicals in her hair dye cause cognitive deterioration. I’m sure you can guess who set that up.

I’d like to, if I may, note two extremely amusing references listed in the government “which monster will they select” betting chart. The first, homage to the original Evil Dead, is the Angry Molesting Tree. The second, a permutation of Hellraiser’s lead Cenobite Pinhead, the Deadite. He has a puzzle sphere, and instead of needles stuck in his head, he has buzz saws. There’s plenty more than those two, however. Zombies, werewolves, mermen, ballerinas, ghosts, unicorns, Boomers, the twins from The Shining. Yes, blood spews from the elevator they appear from.

The Cabin in the WoodsAs I said, clever. You’ll love it, scary movie addict or not. Oh, and as a forewarning, there is a very brief moment of boobage. It’s tongue in cheek. I’m sure you’ll get a laugh when all the nerdy lab boys in the observation room try to peep the almost sex scene. I certainly did.

Ben Kendrick of ScreenRant wants to let you know that The Cabin in the Woods loves its audience! That’s right. It isn’t going to spoon-feed you all the same recycled horror crap that saturates the industry, maaan. If every other dusty, replicated horror movie was dinner, this one’s the dessert! Click the link and take a taste: http://screenrant.com/cabin-in-the-woods-reviews-benk-164489/




REC 3 Genesis Please Stop

REC 3 Genesis

Rec 3 Genesis is about as typical as they come, perhaps too much so. I’ve seen the first, but not the second, and for a religious zombie movie, it really doesn’t bring a lot to the table. It has several would-be badass moments, but Rec 3 does what most sequels do to their parent series: Murder them and bury them under piles of bad reviews. I’m definitely not throwing lilies on the casket, as a shovelful of dirt would better describe my opinion towards this little blood-n-gore zombie film.

Oh, and before I forget, they dump the found footage motif a short way in.

A cute couple, Clara and Koldo, are getting married, and the celebration is… Well, it’s like a strobelight rave with a bunch of horny camera-toting douchebags running around in black and pink tuxedos. The first hazmat team appears unceremoniously, and is dismissed with just as much flash. The first bite occurs after first witnessing all the partying and partygoers, which is displeasingly impersonal.

REC 3 GenesisIt’s best if I rip the characterization a new bum hole so I can get to describing what else bums me out about Wreck 3. The married pair really like each other and say that they do a lot. The guy in the SpongeJohn suit talks about how he avoids copyright claims. Everyone has a quick line before they’re eaten and made a part of the zombie horde.

The groom and a caterer find suits of armor, cudgels, and shields in the giant wedding… church-mansion. They put them on, and the caterer is promptly eaten. The bride winds up underground with a Frechman and a chainsaw, cuts some people into pieces, then loses the chainsaw. The groom takes the broadsword they used to cut the cake and doesn’t really kill any zombies with it. Maybe one or two.

The priest reads from the Bible, which seems to put the zombies into some kind of trance. This is handy for allowing the couple a chance to escape, but not when the groom’s father has a hearing aid and bites the bride because he can’t hear shit.

REC 3 GenesisSpoiler alert: The groom uses the sword to lop off the bride’s infected arm, but she turns into a zombie anyway and they both walk out into the middle of a bio-security squad and are shot to death. They hold hands as they lie bleeding on the ground.

You’ll have to excuse the lack of linear description in this review. The forgettable plot and the forgettable characters bled together a little too cleanly. It was one big, bland, undead-filled blob with some scripture and “I love you” thrown in every once in a while. Attack of the sequel! Another one bites the dust.

Tasha Robinson of AVClub, thank you for letting us all know that Rec 3 Genesis is filled with in-jokes referencing the series. I honestly wouldn’t have noticed a single one if you hadn’t told me. Even now that I see them, I’m not… exactly smiling. It’s kind of a bad movie. But here’s a review link so you can read a review that isn’t as painfully negative and critical: http://www.avclub.com/articles/rec3-genesis,84628/

You’d Have to Be Nuts to Like The Crazies

The CraziesOkay, so this movie kinda sucks in several areas. I’ll admit that much before I even get into the whole critical review aspect of it. It falls into the category of “Movies You’d Watch When You Can’t Think of Anything Else.” Its uniqueness comes entirely from the fact that it’s a zombie movie without zombies. Does that sound impressive? Then you’re easily impressed. Zing!

The basis behind this government-plays-god apocalypse is that the government was transporting a settlement destabilization bio-weapon to be incinerated, and their plane goes down. Into a small town’s water source. So, the government decides to quarantine the place and systematically kill everyone who’s infected. When that inevitably fails because they don’t inform their soldiers what to expect, they decide to just nuke the site and quarantine whatever areas the survivors escape to.

Because the government has infinite money to spend on this kind of thing, and they can do that without alerting the rest of the country that they just used a nuclear bomb to cover up one of their oopsies. No, that’s okay. Go ahead. Say it out loud. Repeat after me: “What. A load. Of bull fricken’ horse shit.” Doesn’t it feel so right?

The CraziesWell… crap. That’s the entire macro-plot. I guess I could describe the micro-plot with all the “deep characters” and “rich development,” because that would help to further convince you only to watch this movie ironically. Okay fine! Micro-plot ahoy.

David’s the sheriff, and Judy’s his doctor wife. One day while David’s watching a baseball game, he sees Rory, the town drunk, come onto the field with a shotgun in his hands. Rory behaves very strangely, as if he’s not aware of where he is, and then begins to act aggressively, forcing David to shoot and kill him. This kicks off the series of morbid and strange events that occur in the little town, such as a man burning his house down with his wife and son inside.

Eventually, the place is quarantined and people are tested for infection. Those who show signs of infection are sent to the high school for holding and testing, while those who aren’t are immediately transported out of town. That was the plan, at least. The infected break apart the military operation and start killing everyone. Though David and his deputy Russel were separated from Judy, who was taken to the high school (feverish due to her pregnancy), they are soon reunited. Several others tag along with the crew, but they all wind up dying, so who cares about them.

The CraziesThey fight off a few infected people at a time, sometimes facing traps or shootouts or knife fights, barely managing to survive each time. By the end, the Crazies have killed everyone but- suprise! David and Judy! You know, the two main characters. Judy’s all “Oh my god I’m so scared I can’t do this we’re gonna die,” then David, being all manly and goddamned annoying, says, “Well, I’ll sit here and die with you if that’s what you want, because it seems like that’s what you want.” I hate them both.

They steal a semi-truck and the nuke flings it about a quarter mile, spinning and tumbling. They escape with a few cuts. They don’t get blinded by the explosion when they look directly at it. They don’t suffer any radiation poisoning. Then they go to a big city and spread the infection there, as I said.

This movie isn’t very good. I’d go so far as to say that I didn’t like it. Still, it’s something to watch if you’re not a huge critic and don’t mind lowering your standards a bit. Might be worth it in the end, but that depends how much you love the zombie genre. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Rec: Angry Spanish Zombies

RecThis is a Spanish shockumentary that’s a step above “so bad it’s good,” which means it’s just good. But since it’s a horror movie, and so many horror movies are bad, a good horror movie is like finding that elusive needle in the mountain of a haystack. So it’s great because it’s good because others are good because they’re bad. Get it? Good.

Angela Vidal is a reporter doing a TV series called While You Sleep, with her cameraman, Pablo. This night’s episode is about the lives of firemen and the duties they perform for their communities. Angela goes around, interviewing people, talking about outfits, recreation, so on so forth, until finally an alarm goes off. Showtime. The call is about an old woman who locked herself in her apartment, after having screaming fits. Whoa. The firemen arrive on the scene, along with the police, and they go in to investigate. For the record, nobody likes the fact that Angela and Pablo are filming the entire time. Not yet, at least.

When they finally get into the lady’s room, they find her bloody and crazed. Whoa nelly, what could that mean? When she tackles one of the policemen and takes a chunk out of his neck with her teeth, that question is sort of answered. Hence the title of this review. As soon as they get the wounded policeman out of the room and into the lobby of the apartment complex, they discover that the government has cordoned off the building and declared a BCN emergency state. Biological, Chemical, Nuclear, by the way. People start freaking out. Someone falls down the stairwell and goes splat. The health serviceman comes in and tries to take blood samples, but winds up being bitten. Aside from that, it’s a lot of mindless chatter, zombie punching, and several failed escape attempts.

RecSince the spoilers don’t really make much of a difference in a movie like this, I’ll go ahead and ruin everything for you. You won’t mind. Once upon a time, there was a girl called the “Demon of Medeiros,” who was supposedly possessed by a demon and was very violent and angry. This girl infected a dog named Max, who bit a girl named Jennifer. Jennifer’s mother took Max to the vet, and went home to her apartment with Jennifer. You already know where this is going. The Angry Spanish Zombie virus spread like… well, spread like a plague. Of zombies. That makes people angry. And… Spanish?

Anyways, a man from the Vatican sealed the Medeiros girl in the penthouse apartment, and during their final escape attempt, Angela and Pablo accidentally free her. Whoops. The good news is, that’s about the end of the movie, and both of them look to be dead, so goody-goody gumdrops. Set up for a sequel? You bet! Don’t watch it.

RecSo, let’s get one of them “overall, this movie” paragraphs in here to mash this whole review together. Rec was a good movie, but its only vice was that it didn’t explain anything until the very end, which hardly seems an appropriate point to explain the anger virus. And the fact that it adds religious connotations to the existence of the virus sort of takes away from the thrill of it all, if you know what I mean. It’s like saying, “I’ll tell you how this virus works, son. It spreads through saliva, has a long incubation period for children and a long one for adults, it causes extreme aggression and violence, an- What’s this? Where did it come from? Demon magic.”

… Yeah. Best to rent this movie before you consider spending money on it. I said it was good, but that was because I’m in the 50% that really doesn’t try to hate certain kinds of movies on general principle. When I say certain movies, I specifically mean bad-good horror movies. Yes, it’s a shockumentary, but it’s worth your time. Watch it, enjoy it. Turn off the subtitles and pretend everyone’s arguing about where the pudding cups are hidden.

A Different Perspective with Shaun of the Dead

Shaun of the DeadFirst I’ll pose the question: Have you heard of Twilight? I’ll assume yes. Twilight’s pretty big. Think about that, though. What does Twilight have? It’s a love story with vampires and werewolves thrown in as fetish fuel. Which is… kinda gross, I suppose. Blood and fur don’t exactly do it for me. Shaun of the Dead, on the other hand, is a movie about a couple (focusing on the guy) having relationship troubles with zombies thrown in just for shits and giggles. The zombie part of the plot actually forces itself into the movie somewhere past the halfway mark. Shaun and Ed have a tough enough time noticing the undead wandering around and eating people due to their collective lackadaisical nature.

Shaun likes Liz, but Liz wants to get out and do things in the world, not just spend every day in the Winchester Tavern drinking her life away. Shaun wouldn’t mind that, and his flatmate Ed sure wouldn’t mind it. After some counseling with her flatmates Diane and David (and a rather typical comical incident where Shaun is meant to book a table at a classy restaurant and forgets), Liz splits, leaving him to his Winchestering.

Shaun of the DeadThey don’t really figure out that there are zombies in London until Ed finds an incredibly “drunk” girl in their backyard, and she stands up after being impaled by a pole. Okay, so there’s something going around that’s spread through bites. Can’t be zombies, though. That would be ridiculous. Absurd! Never say the zed word. Just call them “those.” That said, Shaun and Ed decide it would be a good idea to go get Shaun’s mom and girlfriend and bring them round the Winchester to lock down and keep safe until the whole thing blows over. Shaun’s unpleasant stepdad comes along too. So do a bunch of “those.” Hilarity ensues. So does horrible bloodshed.

What really makes Shaun of the Dead funny is how the characters seem hell-bent on forgetting the fact that they’re enduring a zombie apocalypse. Their capacity for distraction is limitless. Shaun keeps trying to get Liz back, Liz is still struggling with whether or not she wants to take Shaun back, Ed keeps doing his own thing and attracting zombies in one way or another, David won’t stop complaining, Diane hardly seems to care, and Shaun’s mom doesn’t seem to have any idea there’re zombies around. The only one who seems to actually know what she’s doing is Shaun’s old friend Yvonne, and she only shows up three very brief times in the movie. Who cares about actually trying to survive, right?

Shaun of the DeadThat’s also what makes you want to go back and watch it again. Resident Evil has mutant zombies and evil organizations, Dawn of the Dead has gun-toting realistic survivors, 28 Days Later had the RAGE inflicted quasi-zombies… It’s all so dark and morbid. Sometimes, you just want to look at the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and say, “Gee, I sure wish there was a hilarious British parody of this whole zombie craze.” I’ve got some good news for you. There is: Shaun of the Dead. Any zombie freak would like it. I did. Go buy it and watch it and have yourself a good-natured chuckle.

Movie Review: The Crazies

“The Crazies” is a zombie movie with a twist. The twist is that there are no zombies. The monsters are just people who have gone homicidal after being exposed to a biological weapon that was accidentally released into a small farming community. They are killed reasonably easily and don’t come back to life afterward. Of course they are hiding around every corner, and the dwindling group of survivors never seem to catch on to the fact that they should be careful when going into dark rooms. Surprise! Another zombie. Ok, another “crazy.”

“The Crazies” is not original or particularly scary, but does have a gross-out and gore factor that will help some ignore the horribly stupid plot holes. Why would the military dispose of a dangerous biological warfare agent by flying it over populated farming communities with large bodies of drinking water, so they could incinerate it? Is dropping a nuclear bomb on a US city really an effective means of cover up?

Directed by George Romero, who is responsible for the classic “Dawn of the Dead,” this movie is a formulaic sleepwalk to some box office cash. Stuck between the crazy homicidal non-zombies and the ruthless military tasked with the clean-up of the situation, the band of would-be survivors are picked off one by one in a most predictable manner. The would-be drama never connects. The characters never develop. Don’t waste your time.

Movie Review: Resident Evil: Extinction

Resident Evil Extinction

Resident Evil Extinction

Obviously aimed at the male 18-33 zombie movie fan, Resident Evil: Extinction features a cast of 1) tough dudes, 2) hot babes and 3) zombies. That of course doesn’t include the “final boss.” After all, the Resident Evil series of movies is based on a video game series of the same name. Expecting it to be anything other than adolescent would border on delusional.

Did I mention birds? Yes, they use a page out of the old classic by Alfred Hitchcock “The Birds.” Flocks of zombie birds killing people by pecking out their eyes is always exciting. Besides that, the movie contains the kind of T and A you would expect from Milla Jovovich. If she’s been in another type of movie, I’m certainly unaware of it.

Given it’s quite expected limitations, Resident Evil: Extinction was watchable, if you like hot babes and zombie movies. Besides the plot and the dialog, the only real lameness comes when the movie tries to depict a post apocalyptic Las Vegas, overtaken by the desert. It’s obviously a slapped together model.