The Grudge 2, Everybody Dies

The Grudge 2

Also known as Curse of the O Face in some obscure subcultures.

The Grudge 2 is the sequel to an American remake of a Japanese supernatural horror flick. That’s two layers of “Crapetize me, Captain!” that this movie has passed through, and it came out marginally okay on the other end. Fresh scares, new characters, larger body count; the Scream 2 formula applied well, unlike in Scream 2. But can the sequel to an iffy horror movie be any more than iffy? Likely not, but it isn’t that bad!

Continued directly from installment one, Karen is visited by her crappy sister Aubrey, who is under orders from their sick mother. Aubrey is to take Karen out of the country because her dearest sister is, for lack of a better phrase, cursed to insanity. It doesn’t work so well, because Sarah Michelle Gellar goes splat on the pavement from the hospital’s roof. The blood effect is pretty funny. It looks like someone spilled a slim-necked vase full of hot sauce.

The Grudge 2A couple of American students studying abroad in Japan play a prank on another student (played by the cute-as-hell Arielle Kebbel), which results in the curse being pulled from the burned down house and outward. As it turns out, burning the house only served to remove the spatial restriction on the curse. Now, Kayako’s got her work cut out for her. She needs to kill everybody in the entire world. Just kidding. That would take too long. She makes a mean cheerleader bitch pee herself so… wowie zowie.

You do get an explanation of how Kayako’s spirit actually blossomed into a life-taking curse, which is nice. Plot, eh? Kayako’s mother was a spiritual medium, taking darkness from the bodies of the afflicted and feeding it to her young daughter. Thus, Kayako was slowly filled with pure evil. There is a brief revenge scene in which her mommy dearest dies, but it’s sort of unceremonious. I mean, by this point, a girl was pulled into a mirror. That’s much cooler than just slumping over and being made dead.
The Grudge 2I’m actually watching The Grudge 2 as I’m writing this, so bear with me. Probably a little scatterbrained. It seems as though the different groups in this film aren’t at all related to one another. A married couple and a kid, a teen couple, Aubrey and her family, the kids at the school… The only connection is Kayako. It would be a lovely web of intrigue if any of them had anything to do with the curse, or if more than ONE person tried to lift the curse. But nah! They’re just meat for the grinder. The more people you introduce, the more people you get to kill, right?

Psh. Favoring the villain isn’t a bad thing, but the issue here is that Kayako is more an animal than a living curse. She just kills everything she touches, no rhyme or reason. It’s slasher movie logic embodied in a ghostly horror figure. “No salvation” can be a powerful phrase if hope of salvation actually exists, but you know from the very beginning that Kayako ain’t gonna stop ‘til everyone drops. Why bother?

Josh Tyler of CinemaBlend compares Kayako’s Grudge 2 curse to the common cold, which is true. The house used to be evil, but now everyone who touches someone who touched the house previously gets cursed. It’s explained that the fire changed that, because upscaling, right? It’s fun for the scares, but if it isn’t scary to you, you’re wasting your time. Click this linkpoo for more information, okay: http://www.cinemablend.com/reviews/The-Grudge-2-1854.html

Matrix Revolutions, Thank Crap It’s Over

Matrix Revolutions

I always feared in my heart that this day would come. Crap. Today, I’ll be reviewing the much-hated conclusion of the Matrix Trilogy, Matrix Revolutions. Many epic and memorable events occur in this film, such as Smith challenging Neo after possessing a side character named Bane, Neo getting stuck in Mobile Avenue and then getting unstuck because of Trinity, Neo fighting a Smith clone in possession of the Oracle’s power of foresight, and the crappiest, cheesiest conclusion I’ve ever seen. I’m actually pretty eager to get this over with, so tally-ho!

Picking up from where they left off in the prior installment, with Neo konked out on a table with Bane. Only this time, he’s stuck in Mobile Avenue with no way to get out. Oracle tells Seraph tells Morpheus and the crew that they need to strike a deal with the Merovingian in order to free their stoic champ, so they descend into Club Hel and tear the place apart. When they reach Merv, Trinity forces a Mexican standoff after “not having time for” hearing his request that they take the Oracle’s eyes.
Matrix RevolutionsIn a quick Oracle-centric scene, Neo discovers that the virus Smith is going to assimilate and destroy both the digital and real worlds. After he leaves, Smith assimilates the Oracle, and laughs in a way that makes me truly love Hugo Weaving. God what an expression. I laughed right alongside him. Moving on.

THEN MORE DRAMA. The crew of Nebuchadnezzar and the Hammer interrogate Bane, which yields no results. Neo takes the Logos with Trinity and heads to the machine city, only Bane has stowed away… The others can’t chase, because if Bane has killed them, he’ll have control of another EMP. Long story short, everybody on the Logos fights, Neo gets blinded by Bane-Smith, and then Neo kills Bane-Smith with a crowbar after discovering he can see the world as light.

Meanwhile, Niobe pilots her ship back to Zion and fires off an EMP to stave off the massive Sentinel assault underway. Unfortunately, the EMP also knocks out all defensive systems, which prompts the Squiddies to begin their final assault. The rest of Zion holes up in the larger cave in the back.

Matrix RevolutionsThen, Neo and Trinity crash their ship into the Machine City. Trinity dies dramatically but quietly. Then, Neo traverses the city of light and encounters Deus ex Machina, the leader of the machines. A deal is made: if Neo destroys Smith, the Sentinels won’t kill everyone in Zion. As such, the Sentinel assault stops, and the final battle begins. Spoilers, conversely, end here. So much as I’d love to rant about how much I hate the conclusion of the conclusion, I’m gonna leave you with that.

I’m not gonna tell you to watch this one. If you’ve seen the first two and liked them, then by all means, give it a shot. You have nothing to lose aside from a few hours of your life. You probably won’t like it as much as the prior installments, but closure is closure. Matrix Revolutions! Yeah, sorta!

I’ve don’t want to focus on CinemaBlend for my alternate reviews, but this one by Joshua Tyler is spot on. He says that Matrix Revolutions is basically an arbitrary conclusion to the trilogy, rather than a linear continuation. Maybe the Wachowski Brothers wanted to finish things off? Who can say? He
re’s the link, anyway: http://www.cinemablend.com/reviews/The-Matrix-Revolutions-269.html

Matrix Reloaded: Not Bad, but Worse

Matrix Reloaded

Most people who have seen the entirety of the Matrix Trilogy would probably tell you that quality is an issue. They would say that there was an obvious decline following the first movie; that there should have only been a first movie. Well, I’m not here to debate any of that. I’m just here to review Matrix Reloaded. I’ll start you off with a subjective “did wrong/right” lists.

What Matrix Reloaded did wrong:

  • Focused too heavily on Zion, drawing away from the main appeal of the first movie, which was self-actualization of the individual, discovery of control, and how to bend the rules of the controller, all presented through the Matrix.
  • Minimalized Neo’s path of self-discovery, placing him in the “stoic badass” role and grinding the development of his character to a crawl.
  • Neglected the Merovingian’s backstory, turning him into a one-dimensional antagonist character.
  • The arm and head-plugs look… less believable. Like someone took black power-drink lids and glued them to the actors.

Matrix ReloadedWhat Matrix Reloaded did right:

  • Properly utilized escalation with Smith becoming a virus, revealing the backdoor programs, introduction of the Merovingian, the Twins, the Architect, and Neo’s unplugged powers.
  • The highway chase scene. Sounds petty to include, but that was one of the high points in the movie for me. The Twins, the redpills, Agents… Crazy.
  • Making Smith infect someone’s brain, then having him stalk Neo into the real world and ending the movie on that note. Ominous-good.

The premise of Matrix Reloaded is straightforward, despite the twists and turns necessary to reach the major turning points. The One must go to the Machine Source and end the war, and that is where the path of the One ends. Throughout several sci-fi action-packed sequences, the redpills capture the Keymaker from the Merovingian, Neo goes to see the Architect and hears about his cyclical destiny, then he decides to save Trinity instead of ending the war.

The acting is rather “take it or leave it,” as unfortunate as that seems. Most roles are stoic with little to no comedic relief. In the first Matrix, that’s forgivable because the social message is much more prominent there. With Matrix Reloaded, the movies slip into a more typical action sci-fi niche. Still entertaining to watch, but the difference in messages is apparent, as is the solidifying of characters.

Matrix ReloadedSo is Matrix Reloaded a good movie? From where I stand it’s good, but not as good as the first. Talk about a clichéd opinion, huh? The decline mentioned earlier is tangible, even to first time viewers. All the same, I wouldn’t call this one bad even from a more critical point of view. I might call Matrix Revolutions bad though, but that’s because action becomes the sole focus.

 

Joshua Tyler of CinemaBlend offers to Matrix Reloaded what few other people are capable of giving, apparently: A legitimate review that isn’t a chest-pounding string of incoherent insults without reason. In his review, he offers an optimistic look at this sequel, crediting it for its strong points rather than bashing it because of a running trend. Take a peek and see what else Matrix Reloaded has going for it (or not): http://www.cinemablend.com/reviews/The-Matrix-Reloaded-437.html

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence Wants to Offend You

The Human Centipede 2You think I’m joking? I watched The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence on Netflix instant-view, and I lament to say that this black and white shock-reliant film will either disgust you morally, visually, or in one or several of many other ways. That’s pretty hard nowadays, because a lot of kids have already seen people get ripped apart in Hellraiser, brutally mutilated in Hostel, gutted and hung in Scream, so on and so forth. All the same, this film managed to bother one of the most jaded people I know: Me. I thought that was impossible.

Martin is an obese bug-eyed security guard who was molested repeatedly by his father. He saw the film The Human Centipede and grew obsessed with it. So, he began bashing people’s heads in with crowbars, kidnapping them, stripping them naked, and storing them in a shoddy warehouse. Teenagers, parents, hookers, metal-heads, businessmen, even a pregnant woman. Yeah, they definitely exploit her for shock. I’ll get to that. He even tricks one of the original actresses from Human Centipede into coming to his warehouse by offering her a role in a phony Tarantino film.

The Human Centipede 2You know what, I’m going to cover all the extreme shock parts of the film right now, just so you’ll know for certain as to whether or not you want to see this. This is the LIST OF NASTIES:

  • Martin masturbates with sandpaper. You don’t see much, thank god.
  • Martin shatters his mother’s skull with a crowbar. Very graphic.
  • Martin cuts his victim’s knee ligaments with a kitchen knife and scissors.
  • Martin smashes his victims’ teeth in with a hammer.
  • Martin staple-guns his victims, mouth to anus.
  • Martin force-feeds the actress by shoving a tube down her throat.
  • Oh, and he rips her tongue out with pliers, too.
  • Martin injects everyone with laxatives and has a shit party, then vomits.
  • Martin rapes the person in the back of the human centipede.
  • The pregnant woman starts to go into labor and escapes into a car, where she gives birth. Then she crushes the infant’s head by flooring the gas.
  • Martin has a centipede inserted into his ass.
  • Martin gets mad and kills literally everyone by shooting them in the head or sawing their heads off with a kitchen knife, pregnant woman aside.
  • Martin doesn’t even die. He just gets ready to start it all again.The Human Centipede 2

Do… I really need to go on? This movie is probably one of the worst things you’ll ever see, unless you’re into scat fetishism, killing newborns, genital mutilation, and crude surgeries. I won’t judge you, you can like what you like, but I personally found this movie to be a disgusting black and white artistic statement on just how low movies are willing to sink to get  your attention.

That’s all I have to say. Please don’t get this movie. Please? There are better things to do in the world than sit and watch this disgusting spectacle.

Friday the 13th: Slash and Stash

Friday the 13thI’ll review the crap out of all of ‘em! Every last one of those grody little B-rated horror flicks! Most of them. One through four.  Which, now that I look at all the pathetic sequels, knock-offs, and crossovers, isn’t even most of them. Jeez. How many freakin’ movies can you make without realizing that they’re all lame? The answer, it would seem, is “A LOT.” So let’s get reviewing.

Friday the 13th sets the standard for a whole lot of slasher movie clichés. They’ve got it all! Obligatory topless- even nude scenes, hanging, dismemberment, disembowelment, impalement, cutting people in half,  crushing skulls to make eyeballs pop out (in shitty 3D no less), and the most important rule of all… If you are a crappy horror movie chick who has had at least one partially or fully nude scene, you MUST leave the weapon you used to “kill” the killer next to his “dead” body. And to save him the trouble of picking it up, put it right next to his hand. Good show.

It’s so consistently bad that it falls into the unique category of so bad that it’s good. You watch it like a critic, you puke yourself and burn the VHS/DVD in public. You watch it like someone looking for a laugh, you have a grand old time then puke yourself laughing. … What? It’s a collection of B-movies! You’re gonna puke no matter who you are! These things are awful. Awfully good. Goodly awful!

Friday the 13thAnd that’s the great part about these movies! You don’t need to be a huge famous actor/actress in order to get a part. You don’t even have to be good at acting. You just need to be able to act like an expendable horny stoner teenager, and who isn’t good at that, am I right? You just have a few beers before they start rolling, and bada-bing, you’re set to be a film star. Sorta.

Let’s go in-depth here and discuss some of the finer deaths in the Friday the 13th series. Sure, Jason has a hardcore slash ‘em and stash ‘em habit, but he’s got his crowning moments of just too much. For example, in Friday the 13th part II (maybe, it all blends together after the first twenty views), a guy doing a handstand for whatever reason gets cleaved in half! Whoa! Pretty sweet. Point being, Jason cut him down the middle, and he wound up horizontally chopped and stashed in a closet. Slash and stash!

Also amazing was the time Jason grabbed a hold of some guy’s head and squished it until his- well, to be completely accurate, he crushed a dummy head, and the eyeball was pushed out by a piston thing. It looked really fake, but it was in 3D so who gives two craps, right? Hilarious. Or how Jason harpooned a girl in the eyeball, and mysteriously the claylike skin around her eye seemed to wrap around the harpoon to hold it in place? Oh yeah. You don’t need good effects to be a badass. You’re Jason Voorhees, goddamnit.

Friday the 13thWhile I would love to continue to reminisce about goodly bad movies long past, a little internet searching has informed me that there are a total of ten canon Friday the 13th movies. In the tenth one, Jason is in space. He’s…. he’s in space. He’s literally up in a space ship, killing aliens with a high tech machete. What is with the space trend?! Hellraiser managed to get into space, so just what the hell is going-

Okay. Getting a little sidetracked. I’ll come clean with you, the popularity of these movies comes from the iconic character Jason Voorhees. You know, guy with the hockey mask, wears a jumpsuit, knows his way around the machete? If it weren’t for the fact that Jason was in the movies, and that he KEEPS. COMING. BACK, the series would have hit the ground hard and not have made it past number four.

I guess it goes to show that a little ugly chick boobage and a lot of grody, unrealistic looking horror scenes can make you filthy rich. Have fun puking richly while watching! Because oh, I know I did.