Spaceballs to the Walls

Spaceballs

Ah, Spaceballs, a Mel Brooks classic. What’s not to like about it? The sci-fi satire, the silly characters, and the whimsical effects just make you want to buy the sequel, don’t they? In this fine little slice of cinema, you’ll see a lone wolf bounty hunter save an entire planet from the clutches of en evil empire, using a mysterious power called the Schwartz that he learns from a little green midget named Yogurt. If that doesn’t cover the tone of the movie, I don’t know what will.

SpaceballsThe Spaceballs are a race of humanoids living on a planet with dwindling air. Their President Skroob (Mel Brooks) orders Lord Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis) to fly the Spaceball 1 over to the planet Druidia, kidnap their princess, and ransom her for the planet’s air. After running from her wedding and right into the clutches of the evil Dark Helmet, the princess calls her father in a bother. King Roland (Dick Van Patten) offers Lone Starr (Bill Pullman) one million “space bucks” if he can rescue Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga). He needs the money to pay off their debt to the notorious Pizza the Hut, so he and his half-man half-dog buddy Barf (John Candy) set off to save the princess. That was a lot of names.

On his journey to return the princess to Druidia, Lone Starr and the lot wind up stranded on a desert planet, wandering from dune to dune with dwindling hope. Once everyone has passed out, a group of singing dinkers rescues them and brings them to the lair of Yogurt the Wise, the master of the Schwartz. He inspects the mysterious pendant Lone Starr has held onto since his days as an orphan raised by silent monks in the Ford Galaxy, and gives him a fortune cookie and a fancy Schwartz ring. What mysteries could Yogurt reveal? And why is he breaking the fourth wall by talking about merchandising and Spaceballs 2: The Quest for More Money? You’ll only find an answer to the former.

SpaceballsA lot of the humor is spur of the moment, having nothing to do with the continuity of the movie, but you’re really not meant to care about Lone Starr’s secret past, or the fate of planet Druidia. Rather, you’re meant to have a laugh when Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz rent Spaceballs and fast forward to see where Lone Starr and the princess are. Or when the Spaceball 1 goes past light speed and goes plaid as they enter… Ludicrous Speed! Mel Brooks: success. An excellent, silly movie.

Sandy Maynard of CinemaBlend is right when she says it’s hard to rate. Whether you like it or not depends on your sense of humor. If you’re bothered by cheaps sets and lame effects, then you probably have a stick up your bum and should look somewhere else, because Spaceballs is hilarious. Stunt actors captured instead of the main characters? Genius. Take a peek at her review here: http://www.cinemablend.com/dvds/Spaceballs-Collector-s-Edition-970.html

Prometheus Belongs in Space

Prometheus

And so does everyone involved in its production.

Prometheus, the souls successor of the 1979 movie Alien, fell flat on its face. Despite all the new crap and CG they threw into it, despite all the new characters and plot devices, it’s a great big ball of incoherent sci-fi crap. Insult to injury, the constant thematic references to the original Alien make it feel all the more devoid of originality. I’ve got nothing against Ridley Scott, but his writers could have been chosen a bit more carefully. I’ll lay it down for you.

A crew of archaeologists discovers a repeating reference to a single star system throughout the art of several separated ancient cultures. They strike a deal with a big organization to make a voyage through space to investigate that cluster, hoping to encounter the makers of mankind. That would be the movie’s underlying theme: “Meet your makers.”

There are two lead archaeologists who are in love, and a whole bunch of company appointed officials monitoring and aiding the trip. You don’t get to know many of these characters too closely, as most of them are Ensign Rickies. They discover an ancient ruin filled with materials and footage left behind by the “Engineer” race, who supposedly created humans. After cross-checking their DNA with human DNA, it proves to be an exact match. So, the Engineers created humantiy.
PrometheusNot too long after their arrival, a storm hits, forcing the crew back into their ship and leaving two members stranded in the ruin. This leads to the discovery that the planet they had traveled to was actually an abandoned military base for experimental biogenetic weaponry, and that the Engineers actually hated the human race and were planning on dropping a pandemic on Earth to wipe everyone out.

Then it turns out the CEO of the company that allowed the archaeologists to go on the journey stowed away so he could ask the Engineers for immortality, and everyone dies but the main lady. She makes off with an alien ship (with the help of a synthetic person’s head) and heads for the Engineer homeworld to find out why they hate humans so much. And that’s the end of that story.

Issues, several issues. First of all, the corpse found on the spaceship in Alien was the basis for the Engineers, yet it had nothing to do with creationism. Sure, it’s an interesting premise, but it all seems out of the blue. That’s not the worst of the issues.

Secondly, the synthetic poisons one of the archaeologists with a bio-weapon found on the Engineer ship for no reason. The poisoned guy has sex with his “sterile” gal, and she gets pregnant with an alien baby. Is this an allusion to the Company from Alien? The Company that wanted a specimen of the aliens to be brought back to Earth inside a person locked in stasis? Because it doesn’t make sense in Prometheus. And it doesn’t make sense for the synthetic to do that on impulse. Nobody knew there were chemical weapons on that wasteland planet, so how would the synthetic have known to do that? Why? Just because he’s a stereotypical psychotic robot? 2012, people!

PrometheusThird issue, why would the CEO of the big company paying for the expedition think he could hitch a ride and ask the Engineers for immortality? I know that it’s probably meant to be some “profound observation on human nature,” but it’s actually just really stupid.

Even stupider is the fact that the only Engineer left on the planet, when woken up, goes on a killing spree and murders almost every surviving member of the crew. Even after the synthetic speaks to him in his native tongue. I’m pretty sure a species developed to the point of gaining the ability to create life would respond in a more rational way. “Humans are a mistake and they want to fix us,” is no excuse. It’s poor filmmaking.

The easily impressed/swayed by nostalgia will probably find Prometheus enthralling during their first viewing. As I mentioned before, Prometheus has an excellent premise, it just executes it so piss-poorly that the entire movie crumbles because of the plot holes. It’s a damned shame.

Regnard Raquedan of ScreenSucked is perhaps a bit too by-the-trailer in his review. As he suspected, Prometheus was going to be dissected and slammed, and I am one of the major constituents of the latter. The reason being, an esteemed director does not an exemplary movie make. Even though Ridley Scott made Alien and his fanbase may defend any other work to the death, Prometheus is not the masterpiece it was meant to be. Still, you deserve to read a nicer review, so here it is: http://www.screensucked.com/2012/06/movie-review-prometheus-2012.html

The Thing Can Even Replicate Fear

The Thing

How many of you moviegoers out there have played Dead Space? You know, the third person shooter horror game where a space engineer fights off hordes of mutated humanoids with horrifyingly gangly limbs and distorted dead faces? The Necromorphs! The Thing is a movie about a creature that looks just like a bloody Necromorph. This is the 2011 remake of the original 1982 flick, to clarify, and I’m obligated to inform you that this movie only has one prominent jump scare, and I nearly died because of it.

In an Antarctic research facility nestled in the bosom of a glacier and surrounded on all sides by fifty miles of ice fields, anything that happens is everyone’s business. When a snow cat full of scientists falls through a thin layer of ice and into a large, sub-zero antechamber that yields an unknown organism sealed within a tomb of ice, everyone has reason to celebrate. Great discovery right? Once they get back, everyone drinks and sings and cheers about discovering an alien life form.

The ThingCue the abrupt change of tone when the creature in the ice breaks out and escapes, only to later impale a scientist through his ribcage and begin to swallow him whole. They utilize flamethrowers and pistols to put the black, gangly beast down, and take several samples to re-analyze. As it turns out, The Thing was actually bonding with him on a genetic level and assimilating itself into his body. Though killed, it was attempting to restore him. Now, what could that mean?

It means that one of the men on the helicopter who was trying to go get help is actually The Thing, but because of the degree to which he has been replicated, he isn’t even aware that he’s going to murder and assimilate everyone on board with him. The scene in which his body splits apart to reveal the alien anatomy of the creature is rather disturbing. Modern special effects assist in augmenting the beastie’s level of grotesquery when emerging, I imagine.

The next major turn in the plot is when the core protagonists realize that The Thing cannot replicate non-biological materials, this all fillings, piercings, and other bodily modifications will not be present in an infected individual. This only serves to rack of the paranoia at first, but serves a larger purpose when the thrilling conclusion comes around.

The ThingFrom this point on, it’s a survival and whittling game. The Thing takes the scientists down one by one, until only three are left. Two of those three survive, presumably. One of them is terminated in a dramatic, final execution manner.

I believe The Thing has an edge over most horror movies because of the fascinating nature of its antagonistic force. In most typical scary slashies, the enemy creature is just big, scary, and intimidating. You see it, you run. What do you do when an alien creature biologically replicates your entire body, crafting your every cell so perfectly that you aren’t even aware that you’ve become a flesh puppet of The Thing’s will? Imagine your body suddenly splitting apart and assailing your friends, despite the fact that you weren’t even aware of your condition. That’s why I think The Thing deserves a rating like 9/10, or perhaps 4.5/5. Same rating, different numbers, but you get what I’m saying.

On a conclusive note, The Thing a damned good horror movie, one of the best I’ve seen in years. If there were more like it out there on the market today, this reviewer would be a very happy lad indeed. For now, I think I’ll make due with this one thank you very much.

Jamie Graham of TotalFilm calls the 2011 prequel The Thing a reverential tribute to the original 1982 film, which I find absolutely true. The CGI notwithstanding, I really like the new Thing. It doesn’t try to be better than the first; it just tries to tell the story a different way with modern visuals. Here’s the link: http://www.totalfilm.com/reviews/cinema/the-thing-1

Pitch Black is Riddick-ulous

Pitch Black

Gosh I love puns. Don’t you?

Since I saw The Chronicles of Riddick before I saw Pitch Black, I guess you could say my perspective is a little warped, but bear with me. As far as simplicity goes, the first one tends to be the stronger. Pitch Black occurs entirely in one area, with a very rudimentary theme; surviving a malevolent force. This shifts once, which changes the entire tone of the movie from “oh dear” to “oh shit.”

Space Transport Vessel Hunter-Gratzner carries forty cryo-sleeping subjects, until debris from the tail of a comet breaches the hull and causes the ship to awaken the crew. The captain is killed by these debris, leaving the docking pilot, Carolyn Fry, to attempt to guide the ship to safety. To her (and everyone else’s) dismay, they’ve been knocked into the atmosphere of a nearby planet and have begun a crash course. This is a major point in the movie, as Fry attempts to detach the passenger potion of the ship in order to level it out and land properly. The navigator pilot prevents this, then subsequently dies.

FPitch Blackollowing the harsh sliding crash, the survivors emerge. Carolyn, Abu “Imam” al-Walid, three younger men on a religious pilgrimage (escorted by Imam), stowaway teen Jack, antiques dealer Paris P. Ogilvie, settlers John Ezekiel and Sharon Montgomery, and two other enigmatic individuals. The first is William J. Johns, an armed man who is currently keeping Richard B. Riddick, convicted murder and experienced escapist, in custody. Despite Johns’s extraordinary efforts to subdue his prisoner, Riddick manages to escape, following the group secretly as they scout for water.

Tensions rise as Ezekiel accidentally shoots another survivor, thinking he’s Riddick, and is suddenly pulled into a hole after attempting to bury the body. Riddick shows up at Ezekiel’s place of death, and is seen standing over bloodstained sand. He’s soon recaptured. He warns Fry that there are bigger things to be worried about than an escaped convict. After she dives into the cave Ezekiel was pulled into and nearly gets eaten by winged, dark-loving creatures, she realizes that Riddick isn’t as full of shit as Johns made him out to be.

Pitch BlackAfter everyone starts trusting Riddick, things get a bit hectic. He reveals to Fry that Johns is just a morphine addicted mercenary scumbag who wants Riddick alive so he can bring him to a prison and get a huge payout. More tension. They discover a ship in an abandoned settlement, and find that the last activity took place twenty two years ago. To make matters worse, every twenty two years, there’s a global eclipse. A little convenient? Yes, but this is a science fiction movie. Murphy’s Law makes things more fun, doesn’t it? Remember those dark-loving hungry flying things that ate Zeke? Now you see what the rest of the movie’s about.

Hate to leave you at such a critical spot, but I don’t want to spoil everything. The main focus of this movie is Riddick and Fry, really. Fry struggles with priorities; herself or the others that she tried to kill in order to land the ship. Riddick doesn’t really struggle with anything. He’s just an enigmatic, “is he an asshole/is he a good guy” badass all throughout. Even after seeing The Chronicles of Riddick and Pitch Black, I still couldn’t tell you whether or not Riddick’s a selfish ass. All I know is, Vin Diesel makes both of those films a joy to watch. Truly.

Whoa. Never thought I’d be linking to Roger Ebert’s site. There’re a stark few Pitch Black reviews out there, and surprisingly, not many of them are positive. I suppose I must agree that a planet with three suns apparently populated solely by nocturnal creatures is a little silly as a concept. I also agree that this movie could have focused a little more on the alien nature of the planet instead of the high-tension human conflict, however. However, Riddick is the egotistical badass center of attention, and we wouldn’t very well be able to pay him his deserved attention if we were busy being wowed by a well-thought-out species of desert aliens, eh? I’ll leave it up to you to decide if I’m being sarcastic. Right-o, here’s the link: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20000218/REVIEWS/2180304/1023

Sailor Moon, The Movie: Promise of the Rose is Your Childhood

Sailor Moon: Promise of the Rose1990’s kids will know this one. Oh yeah. This is a 1993 anime classic film based off of an awesome and deceptively cutesy TV series. Don’t think that it being based off a TV series makes it bad, though. It’s freakin’ Sailor Moon, The Movie: Promise of the Rose. How could that be bad in ANY way? Let’s crack open a bottle of plot and see how it goes down.

Darien, the true identity of the hero Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Moon’s love interest, is first seen to be giving a gift to another boy. A rose, accepted with great affection and the promise of the perfect flower. Darien had just lost his parents, and didn’t want to see his only friend go. The problem was, Fiore was an alien, and couldn’t stay on Earth too long because the air would eventually kill him. He left Darien, fully intending to find the perfect flower to return to Earth with, but ended up stumbling upon something very foul indeed. But more on that in a moment.

In the modern day, Darien, Serena, and the rest of the Sailor Scouts are out at a flower shop, browsing and having a good time. This is a shoujo, I should remind you. If I don’t succeed, the movie will remind you eighty times before it ends. It’s only sixty minutes, but it’s more than capable of melting your brain with love. I digress. A rain of flower petals interrupts the group as they’re leaving, and out of nowhere, a red-haired guy appears and approaches Darien. He seems pleasant enough, until he shoves Serena away when she tries to break him and Darien up. They were getting kinda… close. Darien realizes that it’s Fiore, the same boy from his childhood, and this unnerves him a bit. Something changed. Something bad.

Sailor Moon: Promise of the RoseSoon after, a plant monster attacks Tokyo with a cluster of vines in order to drain the populace’s life energy. The Sailor Scouts respond immediately, obliterating the flower-freak and saving the day… That is, until Fiore appears in his alien form and claims that he is responsible for the attack. But why would such a benevolent person stage such a horrid attack? Perhaps the dark flower on his chest should offer a reason.

Serena’s cats, Artemis and Luna, explain this one. The Kisenian Blossom is the most evil flower in existence, latching onto those with weak hearts and filling them with hatred and anger. One by one, she sucks planets dry of life energy to increase her own power, then destroys them and leaves. She cannot do this alone, however. Fiore’s heart was weak, and as such she sunk her claws into him and instilled him with vengeance against the human race for causing Darien’s loneliness.

During the fight between Fiore and the Sailor Scouts, Darien takes a dive for Serena and is critically injured. Since all the other Scouts have had their asses beaten, no one can stop Fiore as he grabs the dying Darien and spirits him away in a whirlwind of flower petals. Where did they go?

Sailor Moon: Promise of the RoseArtemis and Luna have this one, too. Apparently, he’s on a meteor. A meteor filled with the Kisenian Blossom’s plants is quickly descending to Earth, where it will open up and sprinkle the surface of the planet with dark seeds. In the end, the Earth would be reduced to a dead rock, and the Kisenian Blossom would move on. How can the Sailor Scouts hope to stop this evil meteor? How can Darien break his friend free of the dark blossom’s influence?

I’m not going to tell you. Watch the movie! It’s great! It’s overly dramatic, weepy, mushy, violent, flashy, and it really helps redefine the genre known as “Magical Girl.” I mean, seriously. You’re missing out if you haven’t seen this. What’s that, you said? Too girly? Don’t like the fact that the Scouts get naked when they transform? What, it’s not like you can see anything, pervy. I won’t tell you again. This is a classic of classic anime movies, and you won’t regret snapping this up on VHS (if you’ve got it) or DVD (if you want it) and giving it a good view. Remember! Only 60 minutes!

Is my opinion crap? I don’t think it is, but juuust in case you do, here’s the AnimeCritic’s take on Sailor Moon: Promise of the Rose. It’s also called Sailor Moon R the Movie, in case you’re wondering. http://www.animecritic.com/sailormoon/anr-sailormoonrmovie.html

Waiter, There’s an Alien in My Ship

AlienI’m not apologizing for that joke. Ever.

Before there was Alien versus Predator, and Alien versus Jason, and Jason versus Jesus and Cthulu and shit, there was the original movie. The movie that was likeable, original, and didn’t need to play off prestige to be watched. This is one of those movies. One of those VHS tapes that you really missed after your VCR ate it up. You got it on DVD, but without that film grain, it’s really not the same. I know how you feel, and this is the review of the good old-fashioned original Alien movie. Classics rock.

This is generally the movie that got us 1990’s babies noticing Sigourney Weaver and her film career. When we see her in Ghostbusters, or on Avatar, we’re not taking her for the role she’s playing. Oh no. We’re remembering how she “blew the alien out of that goddamned airlock.” The Alien series is what provides Sigourney with all her crowning moments of badass, in my perspective. Let’s do a quick rundown of the plot of Alien.

AlienThe deep space mining vessel, Nostromo, jolts its crew of 7 awake after detecting a mysterious distress signal on a desolate planet. Three are sent out to investigate, and they discover a crashed alien ship that has been infested with a vast quantity of unusual eggs. While investigating, one of the crew members, Kane, is afflicted with one of the parasitic newborns from said eggs. With finger-like limbs, it grips his skull, and maintains this cling with its incredibly muscular tail. While feeding him oxygen via two breathing sacs, it delivers a special infant alien into his stomach, where it gestates and grows. Little to the rest of the crew’s knowledge, of course.

What they do discover is that the little face-hugger has concentrated acid for blood, making removing it equivalent to sentencing both it and its host to a horrible death. Amazing, right? A while after leaving, the alien seemingly dies and drops off of Kane’s face of its own accord, leaving him dazed but apparently okay. It doesn’t take long for the worm-form of the alien to explode out of his chest during a meal, scaring everyone to death and (you don’t have to guess) killing the crap out of Kane.

Up to this point, all of the characters seem to play rather neutral roles, no-one really coming off as the obvious survivor type. Personally, I find that rather admirable of the makers of this film. It doesn’t focus specifically on one survivor archetype while leading the rest into gruesome and obviously pre-meditated (in the obligatory film sense) deaths. It’s interesting and exciting because every single death matters. While Dallas, the captain of the ship, may seem to be the heroic and assertive space-warrior that conquers all adversity, he meets an unfortunate end while scouting out for the grown alien in the ventilation shafts.

AlienYou know, I was considering not disclosing the spoiler regarding the crew member Ash, but I’ve given enough away already, and reviewing a classic as if no one has ever seen it is akin to saying, “Hey, have any of you guys ever heard of this Twilight thing?” This actually introduces the Company, an apparently corrupt and scientifically militaristic organization hell-bent on procuring a sample of the incredibly dangerous Alien aliens. Ash is a robot sent by the Company to make sure this alien mission is a success, even if he and the entire crew dies in the process. Barely related, he gives the maintenance guy one hell of a nurple, and my god his reaction is hilarious.

If you don’t remember any of that, it’s either been too long since you’ve last seen it, you don’t like sci-fi, or you just suck. I’m sure it isn’t that you suck. It’s an old movie, no doubt, definitely slow-paced, but worth seeing by all means. I know you young whipper-snappers like the flashy action movies with the squeaky shiny suits and doodads and whatnot, but try to respect the origins, alright?  Get it on DVD and give it a gander. You won’t be disappointed.

The Fifth Element, Brucie Baby

The Fifth ElementDon’t even start with me. I have the biggest man-crush on Bruce Willis, and no amount of Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan, or Bruce Lee comments will ever change that. If you’re like me and agree with this statement to the extreme, then you’ve already watched The Fifth Element around forty times. For those of you who haven’t, I shall disclose to you the dazzling and astounding details of this fabulous sci-fi space thriller.

Adjectives ahoy! This guy must really like The Fifth Element. I wonder why? Easy enough to explain. Bruce Willis- er, I mean, Korben Dallas, an ex special operative, takes on a mission from the Earth government to save the world from an apocalyptic evil that strikes every five thousand years, taking the form of a black planet. If he fails, then entire galaxy will become a place of death and desolation. In order to combat this ultimate evil, he must acquire four stones representing fire, wind, water, and air. The fifth element, life, is contained within the perfect being known as Leeloo (played by the talented Milla Jovovich), and Korbruce Willas must find a way to unite her and the stones at the sacred temple before it’s too late. Pretty epic, am I right? You bet it is.

The Fifth ElementThere are several different factions all working towards different goals in this movie, making for a pleasantly complex sequence of events that spirals into a high quality plot. The Mondoshawans are the first faction the movie reveals, and they’re also the first to be blown up violently. Their purpose is to protect and expand life throughout the universe, and to teach humans to value life through faith. They also appear to be the ones who originally used the four stones and the fifth element to preserve the galaxy in the first place.

The Mangelores are nasty, smelly, hated mercenary aliens that only want money and resources. They have a death before dishonor sort of subtle faith system, which explains one of the more dramatic suicide bombing scenes. Because of their easily corruptible nature, the ladder of evil factions uses them as tools.

Zorg is the head of a colossal and wealthy company that fronts for organized crime. He works directly under the self-titled Mr. Shadow, who is actually the ultimate galactic evil. Zorg is ordered to capture the four stones and gather them at the temple, then to allow Mr. Shadow to take Leeloo’s place. This would spread death across the galaxy instead of protecting life, and Bruce Dallas won’t let that happen.

The Fifth ElementThere’s some good news, though, in case you’re starting to think that The Fifth Element takes itself too seriously. Chris Tucker is in it, and he plays a flamboyant radio host called Ruby Rod that stalks Korben Willis until the exiting conclusion. The movie has its fair share of comedic blips and bloops, if the presence of Chris Tucker isn’t enough to clue you in to that. I think it’d be safe to say that The Fifth Element has a little bit of everything in regards to movie positives; romance, action, humor, badassery. You really can’t go wrong!

The acting is the good kind of corny, the villains are likeable yet obviously evil, and the little elephant creature that Zorg owns is absolutely adorable. I call him Shnorgle. Shnorgle holds no relevance to the plot, but it’s a lovely little thing to look at and enjoy.

This description actually goes for the movie itself as well. Just long enough that it doesn’t crunch the plot, just short enough that it doesn’t drag, plenty of events and characters to reflect on… It’s really just a wonderful production. You should definitely consider getting this on DVD and giving it a good, popcorn filled viewing.

Dreamcatcher, One Nightmare of a Film

DreamcatcherThis isn’t going to be a critical review of this movie so much as it’s going to be me pinpointing all the things that bother me and blowing them up so it influences your perspective. Also, doing that will render you incapable of ignoring all the things that I mention. Because of this, you’ll either see the movie to find out just how spot-on I am, or you’ll avoid seeing the movie because I’ve already ruined it for you. Let’s begin, shall we?

Here’s the plot shorty: Four kids save a fifth with Down syndrome who gives them telekinetic powers. They grow up and keep their powers a secret, easing themselves into crappy jobs. Then, they go to a cabin called Hole-in-the-Wall and find that the area has been quarantined by the government. Apparently, aliens have landed and they’re infecting people with what even the movie dubs “shit-weasels.” They gestate in people’s stomachs and come out of their asses when they’re done growing. The main bad guy Mr. Grey comes along and takes over one of the guys, and his plan is inevitably foiled. Another one of the four, along with the Down syndrome guy and a military softie, save the day by preventing Mr. Grey from dumping a shit-weasel into their town’s water supply.

DreamcatcherIs that enough to make you hate this movie? Not enough? Alright, here’s a quick one. Morgan Freeman plays a psychotic military guy who wants to murder everyone who’s even come close to the so-called “Ripley” alien soup stuff. Besides the fact that his character has an annoying personality (like every other character in this movie), it doesn’t seem to me like Morgan Freeman would come within a mile of any of Stephen King’s work. Just saying.

Next up, we have the maturity level of the four main characters. Allow me to illustrate by some of their colloquialisms: Bite my bag, fuck me Freddy, kiss my bender, Jesus Christ bananas, fuckarow/fuckaree, same shit different day, no bounce no play. Apparently, they’ve used these tidbits of stupid slang since they were kids, and it still hasn’t gotten old to them. Is that enough to annoy you? No? … I don’t believe you. But fine, I’ll keep going.

Alright, here’s another. The main baddie, Mr. Grey, has a bright, chipper, and lively cockney accent. I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m thinking that Stephen King personally approved of this. I wouldn’t mind if it made sense, but more likely than not it’s just something they threw in for shits and giggles, which seems terribly befitting of this terrible little film.

DreamcatcherI don’t really have much more to say about Dreamcatcher, really. Overall, it just feels like a bad movie. While those specifics are certainly detrimental to the movie’s quality, the real problems stem from the overwhelming feeling of insincerity that you pick up on when watching. The roles and personalities of the characters seem half-baked yet forced, the plot justifies itself in a very “because I say so” way. The first few times you watch it, you’ll be able to tolerate it; it’s one of those “so bad it’s good” movies. That said, after you finally let how bad it is sink in, it becomes nigh unwatchable.

Long story short, you see a movie by the name of Dreamcatcher, you stay away from it on general principle. It’ll leave one hell of a bad taste in your mouth.