Silent House is LOUD

Silent House

And full of clichés, for that matter. I do so love bash reviews. But first, I’ll teach you how make cookies. First, you grab a big dish labeled “psychological thriller.” Pour in a generous amount of “closeups and running away screaming,” then grate two blocks of A Tale of Two Sisters and give it a good shaking. Once it settles, toss in a big pad of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Slasher Film,” my favorite brand. Mix for 86 minutes. Then, nuke it in the microwave for twenty minutes. That horrible, sludgy mess that smells like rotten fruit? That’s Silent House.

I hope you enjoyed reading my cinematic cookbook as much as I enjoyed writing it, because I wouldn’t want to be alone in my chuckling. All silliness aside, the movie wasn’t exactly what many critics would like to call “good.” When the crowning moment of your film is the female lead flailing about with a pair of scissors and saying “no daddy no stop it hurts,” then you’d better have set it up properly, otherwise it’s going to sound downright stupid. And they really didn’t.

Silent HouseSarah
, her father John, and her uncle Peter go to the family summer home to pack it up to be sold. The power is out, and while they’re busy, Sarah encounters a strange girl who knows her very well yet she herself doesn’t remember. The movie hints at the importance of a little red box, but it’s the Chekov’s gun. They’ll fire it later.

Suddenly, transition into slasher film! Sarah is suddenly alone in the house, and her father has been severely bonked on the head! Watch in awe as she wanders around, avoiding humanoid apparitions that like to move objects and grab at her! See and be amazed as she explores creepy rooms that don’t deal in jump scares! I know the phrase “drags its ass” comes up a lot, but I feel it’s valid in this scenario. When a scary movie isn’t scary, all the tension building scenes just… Just cue the elevator music.

Transition yet again into the psychological thriller mode! Turns out her entire slasher experience was just a hallucination, and that one girl she met earlier was just part of her mind. Maybe her brain-sister, who has a tale to tell? See what I did there? Right, well, you find out her daddy beat her and raped her and took photos (the red box was full of them), and her uncle watched because why not. She kills daddy by bonking him with a sledgehammer, and uncle Peter gets a bullet to the gut, but survives. Sarah runs away all bloody. THE END.

Silent HouseIt’s… stale. It’s not fresh. I don’t care of Sarah is played by the Elizabeth Olsen, the little sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Silent House is like making chocolate chip cookies and forgetting to put in the sugar. And the chocolate chips. And the acting, for that matter. I’m sick and tired of the terrified girl/strong guy stereotypes you always see in horror movies. It’s boooring, so boring I’ll let someone else finish complaining for me.

TK of Pajiba, thank you. This is probably the best, THE BEST alternate review I could possibly link. 88 Minutes of Gasping and Cleavage. That’s brilliant, accurate, and hilarious. Also, I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who the stereotypes irked. Oh, and, before I hand you the link, I’d just like you to know that the directors say that they filmed the entire thing in one take. I’d also like you to know that I DON’T GIVE A FLYING F-