Stephen King’s IT is the Bane of Clown-Phobics

Or the bane of people who hate crappy movies.Stephen King's "It"

There are several things you should know about Stephen King before you read this article. One, just because he writes a truckload of horror books and movies does NOT mean that he’s a good writer. Two, there is ALWAYS a mantra. Storm of the Century: “Give me what I want, and I’ll go away.” Dreamcatcher: “Same shit, different day.” So on, so forth. This time around it’s “I’m the eater of worlds… and children.” Three: The children are always suffering from some form of mental deficit, making them completely stupid, easily excited, and terrible actors.

So let’s talk about IT. A classic, right? I hope you don’t mind if I tear it a new asshole. Stephen King’s IT is a movie about a ghost clown that haunted a group of obnoxious children for some reason, and left them scarred subsequently. Pennywise (clown man) appears every thirty years to feed on souls, spiriting people who believe in him away to his magical world of clowns.

The movie starts off by looking at the lives of the group of kids, all grown up. They’re all very successful, very normal, and pretty happy. And then the only black guy remembers Pennywise, and starts calling everyone to remind them as well. Since they all forgot that sinister clown, he couldn’t hurt them. But not anymore! Hurrah? So they all have to go back to Derry, Maine (the setting for quite possible every single one of Stephen King’s books) and somehow defeat this imaginary circus entertainer.

Stephen King's "It"But not before flashing back to their childhoods and eating up half of the movie with bad acting and deliberate plights for empathy! You see, in this movie, everyone’s life sucked. Their parents abused them, they were picked on by bullies, and/or everyone just went out of their way to slap them in the face and would gladly piss on their graves. The mantra for this movie really should be “Everyone is an abusive mentally handicapped asshole, and one of them happens to be a clown that wants to kill you.”

Half of the movie didn’t even need to happen. I’m sure Stephie just wanted to achieve some sort of milestone for making use of the double-sided DVD. Here’s the ultra abridged version, in bullet point form:

  • The protagonists are living successful lives.
  • They’re reminded of past trauma that must be dealt with.
  • Flashback to past trauma for half the movie.
  • They congregate in, guess where, Derry, Maine.
  • They go underground to the old sewer where they first fought Pennywise.
  • Turns out Pennywise is a giant spider that needs to be stabbed in his glowing weak point. And the movie says, “Fuck you for watching.”

Stephen King's "It"Need I go on? I suppose the main point to draw from all this is that Stephen King movies are only good if you have virtually nothing else to do and boredom has lowered your standards. Stephen King’s IT is by no means a good movie, because it’s dull, repetitive, far too long, and the horror to filler ratio is 1:10.  Go do something else that isn’t watching this compendium of utter crap.

RottenTomatoes has a fair selection of user and admin reviews that should offer a wider perspective. Most people who saw this when they were kids wound up liking it and still do for nostalgic reasons. I am not a kid at the moment, so I bloody hated it. Here’s a cluster of different perspectives.